A new story for Alex

I have something important to share with you. Well it’s important to me anyway… As ever, I hope sharing my story as the unvarnished truth will be of some help to you.

I will be sharing a somewhat personal story from my past and how connecting with nature and following the natural process is informing a growth spurt that I am experiencing right now!

This story started a couple of weeks ago when I was in my weekly natural systems coach training session with Jim and Tabi. I had just completed a coaching session where I was coaching Jim.

I thought it was ok. I had been focussing in part on being present and paying particular attention to my own feelings. We discussed this somewhat and Jim described how this explained what was not a great coaching experience for him. He said (paraphrasing)

If I go out to a restaurant, I expect something better than what I could produce at home. This is what I could have come up with by sitting on the couch.

I had a flurry of emotions in response to this: frustration, anger (with myself), disappointment. As I reflected on this later, I had been poked with a sharp stick.

However, this was a gift.

We explored my feelings openly in the session. No excuses were made nor expected. There were no apologies or justification on my part. This was a gift of feedback from my body. There was something important happening and the best response was to allow the emotions and give them space.

If my response was disinterest or escape it would indicate that either I didn’t care or I was not ready (yet) to learn the lesson

Tabi skillfully managed the emotions by explaining how something important was happening for me — a breakthrough was happening and my resistance was a sign of that. This was not something to be suppressed or hidden from.

Soon after the session I actually felt quite grateful.

Some stories from my past came to my mind. It was as if they had been sitting on the shelf at the back of my mind, regularly polished so that they could be presented at the appropriate time.

Friends letting you down

When I was 16 I had a first weekend camping away on the Norfolk coast with some friends. Our imagination didn’t extend much beyond trying to get into the local pubs and the excitement of what this freedom might offer us.

One of my friends put a dampener on the weekend when he decided not to do anything. His dad had given him some money and he realised that he could make a profit by staying in all the weekend (that’s what he said anyway). As you can imagine I was really pissed off!

A teenage mugging

When I was 17, I was mugged at a music festival in Bedford, the town where I grew up. I don’t remember all the details but it involved being confronted in a quiet space by a young man. He said he had just come out of prison. I remember him having a cobweb or barbed wire tattoo around his neck which, to my mind, supported his story.

He spoke to me and he punched me and then told me to open my wallet. I don’t remember the details or the order of events. I do remember having a strong sense that the money was an afterthought, almost a justification for the intimidation and the violence.

I also remember that he was shorter than me and, afterwards, a sense of humiliation as I put up no defence. My vague memory was of being frozen, terrified and, perhaps, hoping, somehow, to persuade him to back off with what I said. I imagine I looked terrified and easy prey.

Some initial reflections

I have been chewing this over since and have talked to a number of people including Tabi in a mentoring session.

When I spoke to Tabi I found myself speechless with a strong sense of sadness when I said:

I don’t remember my childhood

After speaking to Tabi I have started writing a journal and also gone for my contemplative walks to understand what I needed to do to process these emotions and allow insights to emerge.

I am using the journal to reflect on the meaning but also to start experimenting and learning and to build in new habits.

I went out for a long walk this week and within 20 yards of my house I had an encounter which exemplifies the old habits that I am trying to change.

I walked past someone I know vaguely from the past who I had sought advice about changing my job and finding opportunities in the charitable sector.

As I walked past and realised who he was I played out a story of what would have happened if he asked me how things were going.

My immediate reaction was to downplay my achievements and say something like:

I’m ok. Still working on it.

I corrected my story in the moment and told the bold and heartfelt truth:

I am really loving what I am doing at the moment. It feels so natural and is so rewarding. I’m not sure where things are going but covid has been a blessing in disguise for me and has ‘forced’ me to do something different.

I am curious how easy much of this is.

It is as if the closer I get in being true to my nature the easier it is to exist and evolve. If I express my true nature in the world the greater the potential I can see being realised.

In my journal, the last question which is making me curious is:

Has the change already happened? Perhaps I am accepting and recognizing it. Simply making it conscious. The heart knows.

So this afternoon’s challenge is to be bold and put together my website to share my vision. Planting some seeds to see what grows in 2021.

Of which this story will be part.